Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sheryl: The Primal Wound

I would just like to say, as an adoptee, it is about time! I was under the impression all these years that I was alone. That the majority of my issues were from having been abused by my adoptive mother, which I'm sure they are in some ways, and the fact that I am a transracial, a term I never heard until I read this book, adoptee. The adoptees that were clients, some of them seemed to come from very good non abusive adoptive parents, and yet still have many of the same issues I have been dealing with all my life. I would like to know, what are some of the issues that other transracial adoptees have dealt with, having suffered abusive or having had loving adoptive parents. What were some of the dynamics in those families abusive verses non abusive. What was the reason behind the decision to adopt transracially.

My adoptive parents, were foster parents first. I don't think they planned to adopt transracially, they just had been foster parents for four years and fealt it was best for me. I think my mother resented having to defend adopting a child of ethnicity. My adoptive parents unfortunately were given terrible advice from a psychiatrist to not tell me I was adopted. My adoptive mother was mentally ill, my child hood was nearly identical to Christina Crofferds, in "Mommy Dearest," a movie that saved my life when I was 12 yrs old. I had a plan to take my life, and the day that Mommy Dearest came on television I happend to be at a friends house and we watched it together. That is why I am still here today. I thought, if Christina could make it, maybe I could too. I dealt with racism from teachers and children at school. I didn't know why everyone hated me. Teachers treated me differently than the other students. I didn't get the respect and consideration that the other children seemed to get. I thought it was because I was adopted. It wasn't until I was 9 yrs old when I was at my sisters engagement party, that I would come to understand the true meaning of why I was treated so differently. In the kitchen at this party, was the maid, who was helping prepare food. She was a black woman. sitting at the kitchen table, were her two sons, coloring in their coloring books, perfectly well behaved. I was running arround the house with all the other children at this party, when all of a sudden, a very tall heavy set man grabbed me by my arm and said, "what are you doing out here?" I was totally confused, by this man, I said, "I'm just playing", he said, "shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I said, "I don't think so", now I'm scared, I've obviously done something wrong, I don't know what it is, this man proceeds to escort me into the kitchen by my arm, where this black woman and her children are sitting and he says to me, "isn't this where you belong, is this your mother", I said "no", then he looked at the black woman and said, "is this your daughter", she said "no". After that he just walked out of the kitchen. I stood frozen in that kitchen for what seemed like an eternity, until my mother finally came to get me. While standing in that kitchen, I realized white people don't like black people, and they think I am black, that is why everyone hates me. It had nothing to do with being adopted. My bio mother was puerto rican and my dad was german. They said my mother was a dark skinned puerto rican which she may have had some african roots. I am medium/light with brown curly hair, not black hair like most latinas. So why this man thought I belonged to this very dark skinned black maid, I don't know. I am currently in search of a therapist who, is experienced with adoptees, they are very hard to find, as the author is correct in her statement in her book that there are plenty of resources for counsling for adoptive parents, but not much out there for the birth mom or the adoptee.



Lora said...

Hugs Sheryl

I would like to find a counselor too, but it seems only adopted children who are not able to bond with their a parents are covered by psychiatry.

Have you read the Donaldson institute report about Korean adoptees and identity issues? I think you might find it pertinent to your situation too.

Lavender Luz said...

Wow, Sheryl. There were so many things to deal with. The ones that stand out for me were the psychiatrist's bad advice and being parented by a woman with mental illness.

I wonder if there is a directory of adoption therapists around. Here is one in my town (an adoptee herself):

Maybe she can recommend someone in your area?

OpenAdoptMomof3 said...

Sheryl, what an awful experience!! I'm glad you're starting to find validation of the traumas in your life. Best wishes in finding a therapist to help. We transracial families need to hear from those who have lived it in order to avoid as many mistakes as possible.

Thank you for posting!

battynurse said...

Wow. The man at the parties reaction is so simply horrifying. And a therapist recommending they not tell you anything? That's right up there too with totally horrible. I'm so sorry you had to endure all of that. I hope you're able to find a therapist that works for you.