Monday, December 14, 2009

Alice: The Primal Wound

# 1
I would describe my experiences in terms of pregnancy and motherhood post relinguishment 43 years ago as the tragedy of my life. After getting married within a few years ( to a different man than the father of my baby ) I remember very clearly crying episodically about the loss and persistent pain of 'losing ' my baby . My spouse said " Well, we could have a baby " . I responded " No, I don't want another baby ; I want the one I gave up ." It was as if no other would do .
Nevertheless over the next 20 years I lost several children through early miscarriages. Three of these miscarriages involved a 2nd marriage to a man with 4 children whom I mothered from early adolescence and continue to do so to this day . They all were troubled children who became emotionallly troubled adults . I put a lot of work into being a caring step-mother to these needy children and was glad to do so. I have wondered at times if at some unconcious level I was doing so because it was a way of ' making up ' for the wrong I had done by ' abandoning my baby '.
I see the fact of my not having any other viable biological children as a " self-fulfilling prophecy " because I believed that God would not allow me to have other children because of the severe wrong I had done.
In conclusion , despite having a productive and fullfilling life I have carried a low-level depression since giving my child up and continue to long to hold that infant baby .
Concerning the question about the statement " Under no circumstances should a birthmother search if there is any possiblity at all that she might abandon her child again " cause you not to search for your child . Absolutely not !
In fact I've been looking for my adult child ( what a misnomer ) for 25 years and have considered the circumstances that might lead me to reject my adult son again . Through these long years I have actively worked with my grief,and educated myself concerning the impact of adoption on members of the triad .I progressed from a long held belief that I would never reject him again because I owed him everything to realizing that in reality there could be no guarentee to this.
I recently located my son who is a very troubled adult . In fact he appears to fit excatly the picture of Verrier's " compliant " adoptee . I am very committed to the process of trying to establish a healthy relationship with him but recognise full well that there is no guarentee regarding the ultimate outcome. I am willing to go through the storms , take some hits ( already have actually ) and suffer in hopes of facilitating an eventuall healing and more hopefulll life for him . However I also recognize that it is also up to him and the choices he makes over time .
My response as a birth mother to Nancy Verrier's book " Primal Wound..." follows :
I have purchased 3 copies of this book over the last 15 years and have been unable to read it till just recently , ie after finding my son.
I had read several excerpts and reviews through the years but could not face my own painful reponses to her apparent truths. Now that I have experienced some of them directly post reunion I am reading her work to better prepare myself to be an understanding , caring, accepting and hopefully unconditionally loving birth mother to my son .
I do not think that Nancy Verrier's ( though well intentioned ) admonition to not search for your child if there is any possibility that you could reject your abandoned child again is reasonable. As the questioner suggests , there are no quarentees in life . One cannot control the future .

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.


My name is Andy. said...

thank you so much for sharing.

Good luck on your journey.

AdoptedGirlz said...

Wow...the tragedy of your life. That is how I felt as an adoptee until reading 'The Primal Wound' where I received clarity for my confusing and painful struggle. I appreciate your honest thoughts. I hold nothing against my birth mom. I met her about 10 years ago. It was part of my journey, however we haven't had contact in years. I know we found some peace in finding each other. Your words are nudging me to make contact with her. To let her know she has not lost me again.
Peace to your soul...


sheryl-adoptee said...

As an adoptee I have a strong interest in the thoughts of the birth moms. It gives me much hope that maybe my mother is searching and hoping too.

I have also raised a couple of troubled girls from a previous relationship. I tried to help them through similar issues with their mother that I had.

I think your son is lucky to have found you, and it's wonderful for you to want to see him through his problems.

I can only hope that if I ever get the chance to have my mother as a part of my life, that she would do the same, and if nothing else, accept me with all my imperfections.

I hope you and your will have a great relationship, he is lucky to have you.